Dear D. Light,
I used to be good in bed. Now I'm 40 and I suck at sex. I still want it, but don't have any fun during it. I'm all caught up in how to angle myself so that I don't look so fat. I have all these parts of me that I don't want anyone to touch. And even when I get over all that, I still can't seem to relax enough to go to my happy place. What the hell is wrong with me?
-- Formerly Orgasmic Gemini
Dear Formerly Orgasmic Gemini,
Too bad your situation is not uncommon. Masters and Johnson, the research team who pioneered research on human sexuality in the last century, even had a name for it, "Spectatoring." It's when you're so self conscious that you forget you're the one in bed who's supposed to be feeling the sex, and instead you're removed and watching the mechanics of it go down like it's an episode of The Martha Stewart Show.
So, your body has changed and you are still adjusting to the new way it looks and feels. It takes time to relax and trust a lover, especially when you yourself aren't so thrilled about your fuller body. Guess what? Being fuller figured does not count as a good reason to cut yourself off from the joys of sex.
It sounds like you have a partner, so what you need now is not to give up. Though instead of trying harder, focus on relaxing more. Sometimes for Gemini, relaxing means pretending to be your evil twin -- she's a hedonist, is she not?
Drink some green tea -- or any tasty green beverage -- take a bath, turn on the candles, get into a soft, slinky mindset. You owe it to yourself and your partner to find your new groove.
More about loosening up in future blogs …
-- D. Light