Speaking of Fools...

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Side Bar and speaking of Fools: When I write/research for extended periods (months or even years at a clip), I exist in a vacuum like a deep winter sort of Fool -- dangerously close to the edge. It's pretty isolating, and for me, also physically painful, so without Temperance of this extreme (I use planting, creative hands on stuff, and other manual labor as my counterweight) I can and often do swing way out of balance. It's a solitary cave-like existence and I become wholly immersed in the multi layered aspects, processes, symbolism, mathematics/sciences, stories, sociology, networks, history, psychology, and characters that are expressed and contained within the cards. 

 

I can't write a single word unless I authentically feel, believe, experience -- empathically know of what I speak -- and this can often be a dark or uncomfortable place to go. It can also be quite enlightening, exciting, and motivating. And sometimes it even serves as an exorcism of sorts. But it's never easy. 

 

First of all, it's one thing to learn or know a thing inside and out in my head or heart, but another to put it in writing -- and I have no writing background. (I started the whole online tarot readings subscription project as a way to try to heal, support my children, and reclaim my life after being disabled, generally ruined, and reduced to Social Security, food stamps, and other assistance, for which I was and am grateful. But that era is in the past now -- one of my other lives greatest personal success stories).

 

Furthermore, I have no editor, no proof-reader, no "team", no assistants -- save my husband who does all the tarot related programming, and my children, who make a mean grilled cheese and generally take over running the house. I have no office, rarely get dressed, I get no feedback, have no social life, the work is never finished -- certainly never good enough; there are no guarantees, and I don't ever get to know whether what I do here reaches or helps any of you. And should someone ask me what I do, I don't even know what to call myself -- except maybe a "survivor".

 

And yet I love it and am driven to keep doing it anyway.  So you might suspect that this naturally makes me a Fool for all seasons and that the potential for going off the deep end is ever present -- and you'd be right on both counts.

 

 

Next time -- Cheerleaders and Flying M&M's